Riding the wave

Today one of our newest volunteers asked me about how I ended up working in the pregnancy crisis centre.

Yeah, long story, right? One of our mutual friends, who worked for the centre at the time of my employment came in and immediately started picking up on what I’d left out.

Everything in my life has had a purpose that leading up to this point. It’s so obvious looking back now, but it certainly wasn’t always clear at the time.

In 4 hours time I need to be up to drive to the airport and start making the journey to Basingstoke. I can’t sleep.

I was reading Angie Smith’s blog. I wasn’t expecting to see a ultrasound picture taken at 10 weeks gestation.

Yes, that was the stage of pregnancy I was at when I had it terminated.

It was a little bit of a kick in the guts to see that, I’ll admit. Sometimes I wish I could turn back the clock, and bizarrely I don’t want to turn it back to the point before she was conceived to change things in that way. Turning back the clock I wish I would have had the information, support and courage to make a different decision.

You can’t think like that though. Because if it hadn’t been for Sophie being part of my life, I wouldn’t have the wisdom and understanding I have now. The perspective I have when I meet with clients, or abortion providers is different from many of my colleagues. It’s not that I necessarily agree with the people who think it’s all ok, it’s that I get where they’re coming from…because I used to have a totally different viewpoint.

God is doing some crazy things with this work, ministry or whatever you want to call it.

Crazy in the best and in some cases, most unexpected of ways.

He is, as Sarah Chia put it earlier this year, widening my territory.

And yet, I’m not that close to God as I once was. My quiet times are um, yeah, embarrassingly few and far between. My prayer life sucks compared to what it once was. There are lots of things in my life that need sorting.

I feel like I’m just riding this wave of God…He seems to have me along for the ride whether I like or not really!

The majority of the time, I do like it. I love it. The life God has for me is never dull.

But it is sometimes tough.

Um, actually a lot of the time it is tough.

I need to get prepared - physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – as much as I can for what God has in store for 2010.

How do you do that? Answers on a postcard (or blog comment) please…

 

Confessions and Questions

Last week, a post of Pete Wilson’s caught my attention, (as they often d0). I have been running on empty for a looonnnnggg time now.

I realise that part of my stuggle was trying to separate God’s expectations from my own/other people’s expectations.

Since 2004, I’ve always used the sentence ‘I have been healed from Chronic Fatigue Syndrome’.

This week I’ve been forced to recognise that as much as I really want to believe that to be true, there is a strong possibility that it’s not true.

I hate admitting this.

It brings so many questions.

How do you balance that with being in leadership? How do you still serve as part of church? How do you get spiritually replenished when you can barely get out of bed in the morning?

How do you say ‘no’ to things you really believe in and are passionate about? Should you be saying no at all? Should you just be trying to push through?

How do you cope when someone gives you a compliment and it just makes you want to cry because more and more you are struggling to do what you love? How do you cope when your spirit says one thing and your body says another?

When the culture you are part of is ‘all or nothing’…how do you deal with the fact that your limitations force you to try find a compromise? Will people accept that, or is it that you’re going to have to be replaced in God’s kingdom?

Something I’ll never forget was the first year of dealing with CFS and the different responses from people in church.

On a really bad day I was rota-ed on to sing in the music team, the worship leader was awesome. He picked me up from my flat because he knew I wouldn’t be able to walk at that time in the morning. They had a seat so I could sit between songs or while I sang if I couldn’t manage to stand.

After the service the band and service leaders came together in a prayer huddle.

A leader turned to me to tell me off for having a seat because it wasn’t ‘worshipful’.

Should I just have not sang?

Should I have stayed home?

Was it my lack of faith?

And why couldn’t I just ’snap out of it’ like so many people suggested I should?

These are the questions in my head right now. As I struggle to even pray. I can pray for everyone who has really life threatening stuff going on. That stuff is the real stuff that needs prayer.

As I keep trying to do all the work I can, so thankful now that I only work part-time. Thankful I work with an amazing group of people who are incredibly understanding. Thankful (in a wish you hadn’t been through it too, but glad you understand what it’s like) that someone in my soon-to-be-made-extinct smallgroup has been through this. Thankful for social networking which is becoming a lifeline & at times my only connection to the outside world. Thankful for people I connect with online who understand what this is like. Thankful for so many encouraging blog friends who encourage and get me thinking.

But scared.

Scared as I look ahead to heading to Basingstoke in a couple of weeks time (booking a 6 a.m. flight now seems utter folly). Scared as I know that there will be no smallgroup come January…it’s going to be just little me from there forward.  Scared when I think of the training course Sarah and I will be leading January-May. Scared as I think of schools visits, the germs, and no one to replace me if I get ill.

Holding on…

Holding on to the words of Isaiah

“The LORD is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall;but those who hope in the LORD will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint.”

Isaiah 40: 28-31

The Assassin of Character Creep (or Cassie & the shiny Jaguar)

So to the first of Jud and Mike’s named character assassins…the assassin of character creep.

It’s basically all about how the small things that cross our moral boundaries can build up and up until you lose your integrity big style.

First of all I have to confess that the first page of the chapter I found a wee bitty ironic…

“We don’t make an entry in our diary one day: Dear Diary, today I plan to commit fraud which will eventually lead to the demise of my career, a nervous breakdown, and ultimately jail.”

Deadly Viper Character Assassins p. 24

Now. I could take the uppity high road on that one, but here’s the thing. I work for a charity. And one of the things that Sarah and I feel really weird about is that we have to write the cheques for our wages. Especially me. I would rather not be tempted to follow in my father’s footsteps and my seemingly constant financial battles definitely put me at high risk to do it unless I’m really careful. How do we act transparent about dealing with the charity’s monies when we could so easily steal money?

We double sign every single cheque. And every cheque is photocopied with the receipt/invoice of what we are paying and why.

Our accounts are doubly checked – first by an accountant, then by an auditor, then by the Charities Commission (OSCR).

So we would never get away with it. Exactly the way it should be.

And I can say hand on heart that there is definitely too much at stake to lose…

When my Dad got caught out…it destroyed his family. We’ve been very broken in all sorts of ways I never expected possible. His career is totally down the toilet. He will never be allowed to have his own business ever again. And he could have made such a huge difference – he was getting the chance to do that.

I had to apply some ‘kung fu’ action the other week on this assassin.

I’d been ill our last few days in Cornwall, and wasn’t feeling particularly great driving back up. I’d pulled into a service station off the M6 about 4 hours from home. It was pouring with rain, cars everywhere, people running across the car park. As I pulled into a parking space I heard a horrible noise.

A severe lack of spatial awareness had caused me to crash into the side of the car next to me. I got out in the pouring rain to discover I’d scratched it in 2 places.

And not just any car. No, no.

In a car park full of old bangers I could potentially crash into, I had of course crashed into the posh, shiny Jaguar.

Way to go BK.

There goes your 5 years no claims on car insurance. You’ve just used all your remaining cash to go on holiday to Cornwall so that’ll be fun trying to pay damages you’ve just caused.

A thought crossed my mind…I could just leave the service station now, and no one would ever know it was me that crashed into the car. They’d not be able to find me or track me down.

I was shocked that I could even think that. But I did. So I gave myself a talking to, something along the lines of…

“Laura Anne, you are a Christian, and it is completely your fault that their car is scratched up. If you don’t own up…How Jesus like is that? You’ve just been reading about being a leader with integrity…well, time to prove it“

So I sat and waited. And while I waited I tore a page out my diary and wrote my name, address and mobile number down on it.

20 minutes later, a woman and kid appeared at the car. I got out, and asked if it was their car. It was. I began apologising profusely as I explained what I’d done. And handed over my details.

She was shocked that I’d stayed behind until they’d come back or that I’d even admit what I’d done

“Most people would just drive away and not say anything” she said

Gulp. If she knew that had crossed my mind….

Then her partner came back. I repeated the apologies to him. He was equally surprised at my honesty and really nice about it.

A week later he called me to say that he thought the quote he’d got back to fix it was ridiculous (over £1000), and said he had planned to get a paint job next year, and did I just want to give some money towards it so I wouldn’t have to get insurance companies involved?

Guys, that is grace.

They could have been really stroppy and angry. I wouldn’t have blamed them.

But they weren’t.

And I’m thankful that I didn’t do the loser thing of sneaking away hoping no-one would find out. I admitted my huge faux pas, and was repaid by kindness in return.

Now, I’m extra careful and super paranoid about parking anywhere near shiny cars…(well, I try to avoid crashing into any cars, people etc…but especially not the shiny ones as they are more costly to fix)

But being faithful and having integrity in the small things? It counts for sure.

The lies spoken into our lives

Before I went away to Momentum I got a little bit hurt by the words of some Christians that I respect and care about. I don’t think I realised how much their comments had eaten into me until some of the conversations that came up during my time driving down there, or during some of the talks I sat and listened to.

It never ceases to amaze me how we can become so arrogant about our ability to ‘know’ others. It takes time – quantity and quality time – to get to know a person. And I know I’ve written off people in my arrogance and ignorance, and know I’ve had it done to me a time or two.

There’s nothing more devaluing or that makes you feel worthless and question yourself or what God has done in your life than having something quite critical spoken over you.

It’s tough enough when it is true, but it’s even more tough when it isn’t true.

Especially when it comes from within people you thought were on your side.

Especially when it speaks into something you and God have mostly sorted because it is some of things you have actually dealt with as opposed to the things you really struggle with.

I’m thankful that I have friends that have spoken truth into my life. They are the ones who I know who are highly unlikely to lie to me just to make me feel better.

And I’m thankful for a lot of my blog community too. You guys are tops! People questioned whether I should be as open as I am about my life and faith and relationship with God warts and all earlier this year, and whether you realised it or not your comments on some of my posts, the e-mails you sent to me…they were the signs I needed to know that I needed to keep on what God has called me to do in life, which is to stand firm in my beliefs and the truths He has taught me in various ways and try never to lose my integrity. And to speak out, to start the discussion…

Some of us, we’ve been told lies about how we should live out our faith, and ‘do’ church.

We’re told we need to have it sorted. Put on the smile. We shouldn’t be ill, we shouldn’t doubt, we shouldn’t struggle. And if we do, we just take it to God behind closed doors and don’t talk about it. Especially if we’re in leadership position.

Because how will anyone come to know Jesus if they see us angry, scared, failing, confused, crying in anguish, sick or struggling with the circumstances that we find ourselves in life?

It’s a load of crap folks.

You know why?

Because God is only strong in our weakness.

The pain brings us to a deeper reliance on God.

And if we are healed of anything it can only be for His glory, as miracles are signs of heaven coming down to earth. All miracles in the bible were so that people came to believe in God. They weren’t miracles for the sake of miracles.

God has healed me of many things amazingly over the years. He helped me to forgive people. He healed me of an addiction to self harm. He helped me off a path of self destruction. He taught me how to rest. He healed my Dad from a life threatening condition. He brought me through the hurt and pain after losing my first (and probably only) child. Even more incredibly He released me from the guilt about the part I had in that happening in the first place.

But I also still get colds and sinus infections that last for weeks on end. And I still have to get injections of hormones every 3 months. And I still can’t eat or drink lots of things without getting migraines or spending 24 hours in a bathroom. And I still can’t play my guitar for more than 10 minutes without my wrist ending up in a splint for days after. And sometimes I get angry about the things God asks me to do, like love my enemies. And sometimes when I get hurt, I turn on God and question his trustworthiness when I can’t see past the pain to the bigger picture.

Open your bible and read my fellow broken people…because you will then see that God picks those who are foolish, those who aren’t so eloquent or competent, those who are weak, those who are trembling.

He doesn’t often pick the ones who are already accomplished, celebrated, acknowledged or sorted.

Christians are not any more intellectual, better dressed, more physically attractive or more eloquently spoken that those who don’t believe in our God. The only thing that makes us different is the presence of Jesus in our lives.

Another totally narcissistic post

Things have been different since the weekend.

I reconnected with people who were my closest friends, flatmates in Aberdeen who haven’t a clue what has been going on over the last 20 months. And I’ve been able to joke again. I feel calmer, more at peace and just feel like I’ve come to a place of acceptance.

I’ve started to make active steps to live more positively. This last couple of years in Edinburgh I’ve just floated along. With all the uncertainty and hurt and wishing things were different, I’ve just stayed in the same place with God. I’ve really hidden from the world as much as possible. Confidence in myself (or more to the point what God can do through me) has been pretty low – back to what I call pre-Australia levels. I’ve actually gone backwards in my walk with God, in the development of gifts, skills and abilities He has given me to make a difference in this world. It’s been easy to hide in a church with 100s of people attending each Sunday. There are so many people just as competent if not more so than me. So why bother being up for a challenge when I can serve on my own strength and things I ‘know’ I can do already?

I let people snuff out my passion for a lot of things without a fight really. I read into things and I got terrified of failure, and what other people think of me, and believed I was pretty worthless. As a Christian. As a woman. As a daughter. As a friend. Even as a godmother…

Well, quite frankly God gave me a lot of words, a lot of reminders and a gentle kick up the backside while I was in Durban.

I also feel like the ‘Dad Drama’ though I’m sure it is not fully over (how can it be?) I do feel like it’s had some kind of conclusion and security. Everything is out in the open now. Things can now be dealt with.

So no more coasting… instead I’ll attempt to

hmm, just realised I could really regret writing this, because anyone who reads this could challenge me on it…oh crap!

1. Not shy away from opportunities to educate and raise awareness about issues of loss, abortion, unplanned pregnancy, sex and relationships, forgiveness and vulnerable women just because I hate public speaking.

2. Accept I’m a girl (woman…whatever) and not have a total freak out about being seen as a being a girl. (becuase well…duh. Of course I am).

3. Be open to being challenged to develop gifts and skills God has given me, and stop listening to the one negative comment instead of the many more encouraging ones. And most of all stop letting that one negative comment totally paralyse my ability to do anything well. Grr.

4. I’m a Leither girl and proud of it. I was lucky enough to an ‘exception’ to the stereotype and that’s why I’m proud of it. My life could have been very different if it wasn’t for the parenting I received or the strength I was given to get through some difficult times and not give into peer pressure. I didn’t smoke, I didn’t take drugs, I didn’t sleep around. But it’s also given me an education because I was surrounded by people who made some of those risky behavioural choices.

5. Actively seek to know more, to educate myself, to seek to know my Daddy in Heaven better. Spending time in prayer, actually reading my bible more regularly (and not just the parts I’ve already studied!)

And on a slightly more shallow and lighthearted note, after spending 2 weeks in South Africa going ‘man, I can’t wait to get my hair cut short‘, now I’m home and have access to my precious GHDs again, and have pretty much everyone I know go ‘oh, your hair has gotten really long!’ I’m like…hmm…I kinda like having long hair again.

So the hair is being grown, and so are my nails since I don’t have to keep them short anymore!

And I’m very happy about it:

Like I said…this has  been a totally narcissistic post.

And the photo is partly to make up for the many photos of me on facebook/South Africa blog with out of control (sometimes being tamed by headscarf) hair, manky clothes, wearing the same t-shirt for 6 days straight and often no make up. Not to mention hungry, nauseous and sleep deprived.

I look relatively…well…presentable in that photo, in comparison.

Back to my South Africa blogging now.

Patience

I’m not very good at the whole patience thing.

But God seems to be really testing my faith, my trust, my patience lately.

My passport still hasn’t come through. I’m meant to be leaving for South Africa in 2 weeks. Just a wee bit concerned and fighting the urge not to hunt down every staff member who works for the UK Passport Office and torture them until they give me a passport. Last week I sent my 4th set of passport photos to them.

The situation with the pregnancy crisis centre. Job security not great right now. Lots of stress. I came home and took a bit of time off to eat some pasta and watch an episode of Gilmore Girls and I’ve been working pretty much full on since then updating our new facebook page, collating information and mailing lists and looking into new ways of fundraising we’ve not tried before.

Got an emergency trustee meeting tomorrow night to discuss where we go from here. I’m gonna miss smallgroup!

I now know the Practice Nurses on first name terms at my GP surgery as I’ve seen them 4 times in the last month. I went down to get my vaccine (the 2nd of 3 Hep A & B vaccines) Monday and Friday last week but wasn’t allowed because of the rather gross and very colourful stuff that seems to be coming out my nose since I got back from NAWA. I accidentally went today only to realise that I’d read my diary wrong and actually my appointment is tomorrow morning.

Oops.

I’ve put so much of myself into my work, into getting prepared for this trip to South Africa (hey, it only took me like 2 whole years to work up the courage to actually go…) so I’m trying really hard to stay positive and believe everything’s going to work out fine. Honestly I am.

And yes. I’m still worried that someone might puke on the plane. Or that I might get sick on the plane. I’ve actually started having nightmares about the whole thing.

I just don’t seem to be managing to achieve that particular ‘Positive Mental Attitude’ goal.

Ok. the silver lining…or more the small things in life that cheer me up and keep me going…

I got a new bag to use as hand luggage last weekend. I LOVE IT. On Saturday night I took it to my friend’s birthday barbecue and I easily fitted into it

1. Birthday Cake (featuring The Stig)

2. One bottle of Passoa

3. 2 bags of Kettle Chips

4. All the usual junk I carry round with me (purse, mobile phone, antibacterial gel, lip butter, paracetamol, a supply of clean tissues, my wee make up compact I carry with me but can never be bothered to use)

…and it still had space in it for more!

It also came in handy on Sunday morning for carrying lunch and a box of tissues I had to buy between the church service and church meeting. Amazing!

I can’t wait to start packing for going away (I LOVE packing…yeah, I know some will find that strange).

Me and God though – not on the best of speaking terms at the moment. I mean, we’re speaking, but I’m in a bit of a mood with him right now. Need to get that sorted…!

What I learned from speaking

Yesterday seems so long ago. So so long ago.

After spending the whole night thinking I don’t know how to do this; what if it all goes horribly wrong? And please don’t let me sleep in.When I peeled myself out of bed to get in the shower, I was a wreck. I was shaking as I tried to eat breakfast and just couldn’t help but think I can’t do this. I felt hideous. My entire self – body, mind, spirit – longed for sleep and rest. But I’d made a commitment, I’d said in November that I would speak at this conference and that meant I had to go to Dundee.

So after driving across town to the centre to get a flipchart thing (nasty contraption about the same size as me…I had great fun trying to get that down the stairs and into my little Vauxhall Corsa and it collapsed on top of me when I was trying to take  it down after the training conference. Ouch.)

I began to calm down a little bit as soon as I hit the dual carriageway. Somehow when I’m driving at 70 mph with my iPod on, or the Radio in the background I just settle. Cassie the Corsa has been my best thinking and praying zone ever since I collected her from the garage in Fife and drove her to Aberdeen. And despite all my struggles recently to pray, to speak and hear from God, I was able to pray in the car.

Ok, God, what do you want to say to these health care professionals? What do you want me to do today? Will you please lead me God, because I really don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m terrified.

I was both humbled, awed and encouraged by the talks given in the morning by 2 retired doctors now doing medical education work across the world, and a nurse who is both a Professor and working with the World Health Organisation. At the same time I was panicking thinking…I’ve got to follow this. 

But then Elizabeth & Pat arrived. And the first thing they did was greet me with a hug. We had lunch, and chatted with a few of the doctors who had come along about what we do. I felt a lot better.

I couldn’t even tell you what I said as an introduction. I just know as I showed a DVD with Reannon’s Journey – a short film with women telling their experiences of pregnancy crisis, termination and pregnancy loss I was shaking and red-faced! As I was explaining one of our counselling/decision making tools all I could think was, man, am I even making sense? I felt so ridiculous. 

But by far, the best part of the day for me was after doing a role play where we showed how we did things in the centre (Pat & Elizabeth are AMAZING counsellors and AMAZING at role play – I’m not much good at either, and tend to burst into giggles in role play scenarios). We had Q&A session. It totally wasn’t planned, but that was fine.

I think we helped a number of GPs in that room. And I think we got people thinking.

I hope people learned something too.

I know I learned how I can do things when I’ve got the support and encouragement of others. I know that God often wants me to step out and speak in public (and I chicken out of it often) but he totally blesses it when I do. Or at least that’s what people tell me. Maybe they’re all lying…?!

That’s nothing to do with me really. It’s everything to do with obedience though.

I’ve been told by someone who spoke to someone who was there that you could tell we were passionate about what we do. 

Yes, we are. 

I don’t say that to blow our own trumpets, but this work isn’t easy. We’re walking in the no man’s land between the ‘pro life activists’ and the ‘pro abortion activists’ because we’re trying to love and care for these broken women, partners and families who can get lost in this debate. It’s not about us and what we think is right or wrong (and it’s tough not to be judgmental – or at least I find it tough sometimes). It’s all about compassion. The hours aren’t always sociable, and the employment conditions aren’t great.  

We got into this because we’re passionate about it, and it’s important. A lot of us just have opinions which are easy to have in the hypothetical, but not so easy to follow through if we end up in a real situation where we have a moral choice to make. We live in a world where sex is a commodity. We live in fragmented families and communities. We live in a country with some of the highest teenage pregnancy and abortion rates seen in our continent. 

I’ve heard so many people say ‘well that’s not really a problem in church’ or ‘that’s not an issue in this school’. Well, that’s not what I’ve heard – because I hear of the people who have experienced these things and it’s all a secret because this subject is taboo.

So where I like to hide behind my computer because it’s all sooo much easier to share things on here than speak in front of tens or hundreds of people, God’s reminding me that he’s given me a ministry, a story and he wants to use both to reach out to people. I’m really just a tool in all of this. And I need to let him do that, instead of hiding behind my computer. 

And I think I’ll probably regret admitting that later, because I don’t want to admit that. I’m happy enough in my comfort zone, thank you very much.